With Great Mustache Comes Great Responsibility

I have been blessed with many gifts, my boyish charm, razor-sharp wit, superior immune system, but one thing that eludes me is the ability to grow a mustache. Sure I can grow a goatee, but whenever I try to grow a companion for my chin-fro, people ask me one of two questions, "hey how was that chocolate milk?" or "dude what is that, dirt??" After a few years of trying to grow the elusive Stache, I realized it was a lost cause, so I cursed the heavens and tried to get on with my life, even though my upper lip was naked.

Years went by and I came to terms with my lot in life, I found other facial hair impaired Americans that felt my pain. I joined a support group and even helped others from chasing the "furry caterpillar." I also wrote a series of articles for Baby Face monthly entitled, "Unfurrgetable: Life doesn't stop at the lip."

Recently I had the opportunity to go undercover as a Mustached American, to live in their world, and to see what I've been missing all these years. A team of special effects technicians, a group of holy men, and Tom Selleck were called in to do the impossible. After hours of work this was the finished product...not to bad if I do say so myself.

Due to legalities, and government clearance issues, I'm not at liberty to tell you everything I experienced as a mustached American, but I will give you a brief overview. Popeye eating his spinach, Superman and the yellow sun, even Barry Bonds and HGH, couldn't compare to the power I felt when I wore a stache. Food tasted better, the air smelled fresher, synapses fired more quickly, everything in my body seemed to be working at a faster pace.

Having the complete package was more than I could image, but soon it was too much to handle. It was like the mustache was taking control, I'm not going to stay it was cursed, but I do believe my mustache, and mustaches in general have a mind of their own. I found myself doing things I wouldn't normally do, I bought a large gold chain, leased a BMW, and worst of all popped my collar. What was most peculiar was that I started sounding different, at the time I didn't know what I was doing, but when I heard the recordings I knew had to break free of the menace attached to my upper lip. I sounded like a cross between Borat and Pepe le Pue.

Now that I've had a few days to reflect on my experiences I'm thankful that I'm not burdened with that kind of power. There's a constant struggle between good and evil when wearing a mustache. Do you think it's a coincidence that all the villains from 1920's silent movies wore mustaches?? I wonder if Yosemite Sam shaved, would he be such a sourpuss?? Would Geraldo Rivera be such a pain in the a$$ if he was clean shaven?

Now I'm not saying that all Mustaches Americans are evil, some were born with such high moral character that they're able to have the mustache work for them. Jason Giambi, Hulk Hogan, and Mark Spitz harnessed the power of the Stache and went on to do great things.

In my case it was too much power too fast. From now on I'll let nature take it's course and if I'm meant join the ranks of Mustached my lip will let me know.

Stay strong my Facial hair impaired Americans, our day will come,

Chris D.