Countdown to N-day

Hello fellow Candoreans! Wanted to hop on and let you know what's happening in the wonderful world of me. Well a few weeks ago Frank, my brother, decided that our bathroom was out dated and needed to be brought into the 21st century. I know a thing or two about Home Improvement, I watched the show for six years, and I knew it wasn't going to go as smoothly as Frank had hoped. He told me that it would only take four days to replace the tub, toilet, and re-tile the whole thing! Not doubting my brothers skills, but his motivation I knew there was no chance of getting the job done in four days. So as the great older brother that I am, smelling blood in the water, I started goading and prodding him until he made a bet with me, and with little effort I succeeded. We didn't bet money, partly because I'm broke and partly because what we did bet is worth oh so much more. I bet him that he couldn't completely finish the bathroom in 10 days, and if he didn't I get to kick him square in the N*TS. Now this big for me on so many levels. Any chance I get to inflict harm on Frank without suffering repercussions is a win in my book. Usually when I hit him I end up on my back praying that I blackout before he gets the tweezers. Yes I might seem more cultured that the average older brother, but deep down all brothers want to kick there siblings in the "cash and prizes." I don't know where it comes from, but it's hardwired into our DNA. I leave you with a collection of groin kicks to show you that brothers have been engaging in this activity for decades. Now if you don't mind I just heated up enough water to fill up plastic tub and I need to wash up.

Livin' Like It's 1809 Ya'll!

CLD

To all you fellow writers out there

HELLO ONLINE BUDDIES! IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE TONIGHT TO BLOG YOUR FACES OFF! As some of you know I've been all over this crazy place called the interweb, blogging here, posting there, trying to spread my awesomeness to every corner of the web. But it's always great to get back to me roots and blog where it all started, here on the corner, Candor corner.

Seriously though there are sites that actually pay you to blog. I frequent a few but my favorite has to be Helium.com. This site has a lot going for it. There I can pick a topic and then just let my muse do the typing. There are over 50 channels to choose from. They vary from arts and humanities to travel. I signed up about two week ago and already wrote five articles. After the articles are posted fellow Heliumites compare your article to others in the same category and then rate who's is better. If you get enough positive responses, Helium boosts your overall rating and then pays you to blog. You only get a few pennies at first but you get more per article as your rating goes up.

Another way you can earn some much needed greenbacks, is to checkout the marketplace section on Helium.com. There people post writing jobs they need filled, you write them, and if they pick yours, you get paid! It's just that simple. If you want to check out what I wrote go to helium.com and search for Christopher Della Valle articles. I use my full name cause it sounds more official.

If you've been bitten by the writing bug, I do suggest checking Helium out.

Peace Out,

CLD

Green Backs and Clams

Department of Employment Training and Rehabilitation in other words, job purgatory! Today I had my first and hopefully last experience at the D.E.T.R. I had to get some things cleared up before I started collecting unemployment. Well six and a half hours later I got everything settled. The worst part was the waiting, the feeling that you could do absolutely nothing to speed up the process. Even now, hours after my ordeal, I still have lingering effects of the unemployment office. The only way I'll be able to shake the feeling of this day is to write about it. While I was waiting for my name to be called I found an old copy of Dr. Seuss' classic, "Green Eggs and Ham" lying on top of the kids bin. Being a public copy, and an old one at that, half the pages were missing, but while I thumbed through I remember the gist of the book. I will now try to recreate my day at the D.E.T.R. the way Dr. Seuss would. Remember I'm still traumatized from this experience, so be kind =)

I do not like the D.E.T.R. that's a fact!
The place smelled bad, and sure was packed
I waited, and waited, and waited so long
I thought I would perish, without a swan song

I do not like the D.E.T.R. this you all know
But I couldn't leave, cause I needed my dough
I gave the lady my name and waited some more
she called many names, but I was ignored

I do not like the D.E.T.R. my patience grew thin
At last my name was called and I hopped up with a grin
Six hours did pass, we fixed what was needed
I ran from that place, I felt so defeated

I do not like the D.E.T.R. as you can clearly see
One trip there and you too will agree.

Peace!

With Great Mustache Comes Great Responsibility

I have been blessed with many gifts, my boyish charm, razor-sharp wit, superior immune system, but one thing that eludes me is the ability to grow a mustache. Sure I can grow a goatee, but whenever I try to grow a companion for my chin-fro, people ask me one of two questions, "hey how was that chocolate milk?" or "dude what is that, dirt??" After a few years of trying to grow the elusive Stache, I realized it was a lost cause, so I cursed the heavens and tried to get on with my life, even though my upper lip was naked.

Years went by and I came to terms with my lot in life, I found other facial hair impaired Americans that felt my pain. I joined a support group and even helped others from chasing the "furry caterpillar." I also wrote a series of articles for Baby Face monthly entitled, "Unfurrgetable: Life doesn't stop at the lip."

Recently I had the opportunity to go undercover as a Mustached American, to live in their world, and to see what I've been missing all these years. A team of special effects technicians, a group of holy men, and Tom Selleck were called in to do the impossible. After hours of work this was the finished product...not to bad if I do say so myself.

Due to legalities, and government clearance issues, I'm not at liberty to tell you everything I experienced as a mustached American, but I will give you a brief overview. Popeye eating his spinach, Superman and the yellow sun, even Barry Bonds and HGH, couldn't compare to the power I felt when I wore a stache. Food tasted better, the air smelled fresher, synapses fired more quickly, everything in my body seemed to be working at a faster pace.

Having the complete package was more than I could image, but soon it was too much to handle. It was like the mustache was taking control, I'm not going to stay it was cursed, but I do believe my mustache, and mustaches in general have a mind of their own. I found myself doing things I wouldn't normally do, I bought a large gold chain, leased a BMW, and worst of all popped my collar. What was most peculiar was that I started sounding different, at the time I didn't know what I was doing, but when I heard the recordings I knew had to break free of the menace attached to my upper lip. I sounded like a cross between Borat and Pepe le Pue.

Now that I've had a few days to reflect on my experiences I'm thankful that I'm not burdened with that kind of power. There's a constant struggle between good and evil when wearing a mustache. Do you think it's a coincidence that all the villains from 1920's silent movies wore mustaches?? I wonder if Yosemite Sam shaved, would he be such a sourpuss?? Would Geraldo Rivera be such a pain in the a$$ if he was clean shaven?

Now I'm not saying that all Mustaches Americans are evil, some were born with such high moral character that they're able to have the mustache work for them. Jason Giambi, Hulk Hogan, and Mark Spitz harnessed the power of the Stache and went on to do great things.

In my case it was too much power too fast. From now on I'll let nature take it's course and if I'm meant join the ranks of Mustached my lip will let me know.

Stay strong my Facial hair impaired Americans, our day will come,

Chris D.

Evil Doers Beware...

Because there's a NEW Dynamic duo in town. Frank and I help apprehend a person who was up to no good. Let me explain...



We were on our way home from watching the Dolphins get the crap kicked out of them by the Ravens (I don't want to talk about it the wound is still too fresh) and we both felt something strange in the air that afternoon. Most of the ride home was uneventful, but that all changed when we turned down Rainbow, one of our cross streets. The very first house we passed has been up for sale for over three month, so we found it most peculiar to see someone climbing through the living room window. Well apparently Frank's "Spider-sense" went off because he told me, "Dude I think that guy just broke into that empty house." Never turning down a potential adventure I agreed, and suggested that we call the "non-emergency" emergency number. So with the reflexes of 30 men, I flipped a U-turn and sped to the scene of the crime.



By the time we got there, Frank already had somebody on the phone, We no longer saw the suspected Cat-burglar, so we had to rack our brains when the dispatcher asked us to describe the person in question. We did the best we could but one piece of info that was rock solid was the address. The dispatcher thanked us for our diligence and said that they'll call us if they needed anymore info. Feeling that we did our good deed for the day, we retired to our Castle of Solitude, putting the whole ordeal behind us. Little did we know that for one person, there would be no gold at the end of his Rainbow.



...FAST FORWARD 30 MINUTES...



Frank's phone rang and it was somebody from the police department saying that they caught the person coming out of the house fitting the description that we gave. Now I'm not saying that we're both going to quit our jobs and go into crime fighting full time, but I am saying that the people of Las Vegas should no longer fear the coming of the night, because from now on, evil will have something new to fear.



TEAM DV

Feelin' fine in 2009

It's been a while since my last post and my large fan base showed their concerns in a variety of ways. One couple in Arizona, hired a skywriter to write, "we need more!" over my house. Another man in Texas refused to eat until I hopped back on and wrote a new blog. I'd also like to give a shout out to the people picketing my house with the most creative signs I've seen in a while. Signs like, "Can't Do w/o Candor," and my favorite, "We Miss Chris." The list goes on, but whatever the reason, I'm back and in full effect =)

To start off the new blog season I wanted to share my New Year's Resolutions with you. I've always made resolutions, but rarely kept them. Last year was the first time I actually kept one. This year instead of making one I'm going for three, hey it worked for Alexandre Dumas, I figure it can work for me.

1) Continue to stay healthy-This resolution will be with me for the rest of my life, I will continue to stay active and eat healthy. I feel like I'm a recovering drug addict, where at anytime I can fall back into my old habits. "Hi my name is Chris and I'm addicted to the snooze alarm." I need to stay on the offensive when it comes to my health, because laziness has some very good spies that can infiltrate my life and convince me to make the wrong choices.

2) Forget the job, and start work on a career-This resolution is going to be my hardest one. For some time now I've been out of work and everyday that I'm not employed, I get that much closer to panicking and taking a job I'd regret. I need to stay focus and make educated decisions when it comes to future job prospects. I also need to stop looking for jobs I can do, and start looking for jobs that I'd LIKE to do =)

3) Compliment/Encourage someone/somebody seven or more times a day-I can't wait to start this one. This forces me to do a couple of things, the most important one being...THINK BEFORE I SPEAK. Every encounter gives me a chance to uplift someone, and in the past I wouldn't take it. By making this resolution, it gives me a chance to look for openings to where I can say something to someone instead of saying nothing, or even worse say something I'll regret later. It also gives me a chance to start looking for the good in people. It's easy to see the good in some people, but in others you really got to look. But when you do find it, man it's like finding a quarter in a fountain. It's surprising and it puts a smile on your face.

I hope you have taken the time to think of some of your own resolutions, good luck and have fun with them.

Feelin' Fine in '09

Chris

P.S. Don't judge me, I know we've all taken some change outta a fountain...I mean come on gas was up around three bucks a gallon!

P.P.S. If you are in the minority and haven't taken anything out of a fountain, I'd like to say...YOU SHOULD TRY IT, MAN WHAT A THRILL!!!!!!!!